April says - "We don’t have anything that will fit you here. Your sizes are somewhere else.” (Department store clerk)

"You are going to have to find a way to squish over, unless you want to buy two seats!" (SW airline stewardess, just last November )

Those words—spoken loudly and rudely by a clerk in a high-end department store and the other on a packed airplane full of on lookers -still sting.
Never mind that I was looking for something for a friend. I hadn’t even asked for help; she just saw me and decided I had no business shopping there. Believe me, I wanted nothing more than to be somewhere, anywhere else at that moment to escape the shame and embarrassment as other shoppers turned to look at me, the woman who was too large for that department.

Never mind that the seat I was in fit my butt fine, middle seat empty, and window seat taken by teen who had curled up in her seat to avoid someone taking the seat in between us ... It was still me ! My fault !

Comments like that—not to mention muffled snickering and offensive gestures—are pretty typical when you’re overweight. But my thick waistline didn’t equate to thick skin, and I hated knowing that those people assumed I was lazy or undisciplined or apathetic. When I finally committed to losing the weight, my main motivation was better health. But I also wanted others to see the strong, capable person I really was.

Losing weight is a struggle unique to each person. While some manage to drop the pounds with extra trips to the gym or by cutting back on junk food, for others, their problem runs much deeper than bad habits alone. I got bigger as my self-confidence got weaker; I found comfort in food during heartbreak and devastating times, after my divorce, when I became depressed, when I was angry, when I had to go to parties and have fun, in celebration, no matter what food was always there for me like a best friend.

I’ve tried to lose the weight, countless times. I’ve been on countless diets, at times subsisting on very little .. Close to starvation mode ! I’ve tried pills and liquid diets. Every time I lost and regained I felt like more of a failure.

My struggle with weight has been compounded by a society that sees the obese as something akin to a diseased monster. We’re viewed as hideous, stupid, ignorant, loathsome and worst of all, worthless. There are laws that prevent discriminating against minorities and the disabled; there are no advocates for the obese. I’ve been passed over for jobs due to my weight and my insurance company specifically excludes any treatment for obesity.

Of course, all the discrimination takes a toll. I’ve spent years mostly indoors, hiding from the world, and at times my self-esteem has been nonexistent. At one point, I became so depressed that I contemplated committing suicide.

For the first time in years I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a person—not just a huge mound of flesh, but a real woman who was so guilt-ridden about not being able to save her marriage, thinking I wasn't good enough, I was too miserable and awful that I wouldn't matter to anyone , that she didn’t think she was worthy of making the changes necessary to save herself.
Guess what?? I am worth it! I have value ! I am loved! I just need to love myself and know that I matter !

So I’m finally committed to doing what it takes to start losing the weight. I thank the good Lord everyday for guiding me to this moment. Lessons learned and now I can help others. I thank my sister Rhonda for caring enough about me to introduce Plexus into my life and having faith in me when I struggled to find it in myself.

Thanks to plexus for making this lifestyle change easy and for surrounding me with such caring support.

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